The man who walked backwards

The Tokugawa Garden in Nagoya is magical. Within its 44 hectares are a lake, waterfalls, lovely forests and flowers, and even a samurai teahouse.

I was staying at a small B and B adjacent to the Garden. Early each morning I would walk for an hour drinking in the nature and letting my mind wander and plan the rest of my day.

It was there that I saw him.

I remember him vividly like it was yesterday. He was walking towards me on one of the long straight Tokugawa Garden paths.

He was decked out in an immaculate black suit and held a black briefcase in one hand as if it was a normal walk to the office. In his other hand, he grasped the top of a clear plastic bag with one bright large orange carrot inside it. It almost looked like a bag holding a goldfish.

And he was walking backwards towards me.

I did a double take and stopped in my tracks. It is not uncommon in Japan for people to exercise like this. Walking backwards exercises different muscle groups of course and demonstrates discipline and virtue. But for me, a Kiwi, I found it quite radical and disquieting.

As he edged towards me at quite a clip, I was mesmerised. It wasn’t just the backwards walking, it was the glorious brightness of the orange carrot. In New Zealand, people often carry their lunches in a supermarket bag. However this was one singular poetic carrot in a pristine plastic see through bag. It was a dramatic scene, visually transfixing and cinematic I thought.

There were lots of thoughts buzzing around my head triggered by this innocent walker. “What was he thinking about?” I wondered.

Was he thinking about the day ahead in the office? Perhaps he was focused on his wife and family or perhaps this was a kind of meditation walk where there are no thoughts. And why was he dressed for the office on a nature walk? Also did he feel self-conscious about walking backwards?

Either way, I was impressed as he barely took a moment to look over his shoulder as he walked. “When I do backstroke, I have to look behind me constantly so I don’t bang in to the end of the pool” I thought. He was skilled and strident.

He passed me in a jot. I saw that he had a white shirt and black tie on. I acted like I wasn’t staring and kept on with my walk. He did me the courtesy of not acknowledging my presence also.

…..

There was a lot to do today. My holiday was short and sweet and there were shopping, eating and sightseeing to be done. Today I was going to the legendary tofu restaurant TOUFUKAISEKIKUSUMURA where there were ten courses of tofu in each meal including dessert. It was meant to be sublime.

…..

I was also thinking about life. I’d booked a month in Japan to take time out from my every day and think through what I wanted out of my future.

My Mum had said to me “everyone needs to know three things in life: where you want to live, who you want to spend your life with and what kind of work you wanted to do”.

But what happens when you don’t know any of those things? I’m flexible about location as I prefer change and adventure. I would like to spend my life with someone but it just hasn’t happened yet. And as for work, I like doing so many different things that it gets confusing.

It is a really big deal to think through all those questions at once. I kept my existential crisis to myself. I am relatively comfortable with flux but I notice that people are discomforted by the change in others’ lives.

I had worked in the same job for ten years but lately it didn’t feel right. I tried writing a novel but something hadn’t stuck. I got seven rejection letters from New Zealand publishers and one said that “it was better than most”.

After Brian and I split, I didn’t see life in quite the same way. I floated around and couldn’t seem to find my niche or nest to settle in to. I didn’t want to do the rat race anymore. But how do you survive in life without entering that particular race?

My answer to all these questions was to go on holiday to Japan and so far it had worked.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to like or love Japan. However I had found something soothing about how polite everyone seemed to be, the tidy public spaces and the Zen gardens and temples.

Each day, I went walking through Tokugawa Garden, visiting temples and I had lots of time for reflection. I felt comfortable in Japan. I felt that life was a known quantity for me here. I didn’t feel confused or that I had to have fixed answers to life’s big questions.

The problem is that I feel comfortable in lots of places and countries. It is nice to feel that way but it is troubling when deciding where to live. I think it’s a weird side effect of people’s increased access to travel. Now there seems to be tribes of rootless people that don’t belong to any one place.

For me, I belong to four places and never quite know where to live. Should I stay near where my family are in Christchurch? Go where I have lived before in Auckland? Go where my ancestors came from in Scotland or Australia? Or move to where the work is? These are all questions that many of us face but I feel quite stressed sometimes trying to work out where home is for me. I would like to be like my friend Jasmin; she is a citizen of the world not belonging to any country.

When I meditate, I got zilch. No help. I just got this feeling that travelling around is okay and that perhaps I don’t need to belong to one place.

Over time, my life and work have become nomadic. My work has become possible in any location.  With a laptop, I can work in the library, at home or in the office and most people don’t mind where I work from. I have ended up with a PO Box as I move so much and my cell phone and an email address are my constant companions. I have become a transient being able to communicate from anywhere but belonging nowhere.

“Does moving around or travel make me happier and diversify my life or just make life more confusing?” I wondered. And was I ready for a new journey or to stay in the tried and true? Were new friends that I hadn’t made yet more important than old friends I value? Are new life experiences more important than memories? There are no fixed answers to these questions.

But I actually do want to have roots down and have one home I conclude.

…..

When I saw the man walking backwards in the park, it struck me that I feel that I am walking backwards in my life. Or perhaps the question more aptly is “have I got life backwards”?

…..

When I turned 40, I thought I had the answer to life. To know yourself really well and to live according to your character, personality and intuition. That is well and good and much more helpful than not knowing that. Listening to ourselves is true and sound.

However life changes daily and in each moment. It is quite life changing to listen and adapt one’s life based on intuition. A job that felt right one month suddenly feels tired and flat. Excitement to be living in one city suddenly doesn’t fit quite right like wearing the wrong size clothes. All this listening to myself requires actions and can be so jolly confronting. People think you’re crackers moving to a job or town at a whim. It’s unsettling for myself and others.

The thing is that intuition signals a new direction to follow and this requires tempering with discernment. Learning to truly live life is hard and an art. Staying safe is the not the answer. Being grounded is the answer but that often requires movement.

…..

When I met my ex Brian, he said he had moved to New Zealand on a whim. In England, his cell phone kept changing to New Zealand settings and he felt something was pushing him to move here. I thought Brian was so brave moving countries like that. But people who move half way around the world in a split second often move somewhere else in a split second too. Perhaps Brian wasn’t brave and instead was changeable and transient.

Even though Brian’s presence was temporal, when he left my apartment, every aspect of my home held memories of him. His imprint is still etched with invisible scenes that somehow continue to live on in each room. I tried to cleanse his energy with incense, candles and sage. Even though he’s gone, his energy continues to exist.

It must be so much easier to be married to one person and not to have to constantly update your life and memories when a relationship ends. No one understands that someone in your life for one year was as important to you as a husband or a best friend. And the loss continues as you learn to eke out a life on your own.

…..

I’m still walking.

I decide to turn around and start walking backwards too. I start to notice completely different scenery by walking in a different direction.

I’m using different muscles in my legs and my head keeps checking to see if I’m walking straight. I don’t have the body confidence to walk backwards without checking every few seconds.

I decide to continue walking a section of the garden like this and see if things feel different. I realise that my brain is being stretched as I am outside my comfort zone.

After 15 minutes I am aware that walking backwards is starting to feel normal and that I don’t need to keep checking whether I am going off-track. My mind is so focused on the stepping backwards, step by step, that I seem to have gone into a type of meditation.

I end up doing a full circuit of the pathway and re-connect with the man who is walking backwards. He does not acknowledge me but I’m sure he has noticed this Pakeha woman who has changed direction.

…..

I get in to my car and with GPS drive to the local mall. I head to Starbucks for my usual coffee as I crave the familiar in this unfamiliar country.

Then I realise what I’ve just done. I walked backwards and changed my behaviour and then quickly reverted back to the known.

So it is decided. I cannot tolerate my life being the same for evermore. I need to try for something different for the next year and I will do things that challenge me like walking backwards.

By walking backwards, I will literally see life from a new perspective and notice different signposts. I want to recognise where I am home and put down roots even if it feels uncomfortable initially.

I feel peaceful now as I pack up my suitcase to fly home to Christchurch. It is time for movement and I am stepping up to the change. My best friend asks me “what are you going to do for work when you get back”? I reply “I’m trying a different tack”.

Japan was good for me. I’ve come back with some new ideas about my future. I’m looking for my next home and keeping my eyes peeled for different opportunities that stretch me.

I keep the carrot man in my mind and how I could easily keep walking forwards.

I am going to be the woman who walks backwards.

I am the woman who walked backwards.